I have once again remembered that I have a blog. A blog to share my thoughts with bots.
I forgot it was for bots when I wrote the title. This is not wrong with bots. It is wrong with me and other humans.
I’m feeling so lost and trapped in the fog today. I actually got upset thinking about it / feeling about it and teared up. And I thought, something is really wrong with me. I need help.
I went looking for that help. My workplace actually has some benefits for it. I tried them last year? Two years ago? Spoke with a counselor. She said I was fine. I was still hopeful and had plans.
She grated on my nerves when I first spoke with her. She was talking in this sensitive, measured, let me talk you off the ledge voice. I didn’t need that voice. She was normal and cheery by the end. And told me I really wasn’t doing that bad.
Today I felt pretty bad. Maybe now I really need help? Maybe I can get some time off? Some counseling? Some motivation? Get unstuck?
Work benefits has this app Sanvello. I tried it. I was depressing myself with my responses to the questions about missing work or only putting in a partial effort because you’re feeling bad emotionally or physically. And how I responded to the questions about resiliency. Come on, nothing is objectively bad. It’s just in my head, my emotions, etc. But then my score was actually not that bad. It said I was normal?
Normal?!! Feeling like this is normal?? How do all the humans do it? How do they go through life feeling like this.
I’m antsy and drained. Want to change my life but can’t find the motivation to start. My path isn’t clear and laid out anymore. Because I don’t want to be part of the corporate world. But I like the money. Money makes life easier.
And what other job would I even get? The one I have now pays really well. And I barely work 40 hours a week. But I also feel like I’m wasting my life. And I need income. More than income, I need health insurance.
Whenever I think of these things, the conclusion I come to is: stay put! You got it good! And you have plenty of time for meaningful pursuits outside of work!
But I don’t have the motivation. It’s fleeting. I start and then stop things all the time. I used to not be like this. I used to get things done. But I guess that’s also because there was a clear path. School had assignments and tests. Then there were professional certifications. But I could/should get yet another one of those now for the new direction of my career. But I don’t even start. I don’t really want it.
And all this angst and feeling trapped and thinking life is passing me by… “normal.” Relatively minor compared to others. This isn’t right. This needs to be fixed.
Is a new job the answer? Maybe a startup? Something motivating to get me going? Something that makes a difference?
I thought I could conserve enegery with my easy job and then pour my energy into passion projects and pursuits. But I think my easy job sucks the life out of me. I do it slowly and distracted. So it takes longer than it should. And I’m tired at the end of the day. And at the beginning. And in the middle.
Again – how is this normal? This is not healthy. This is not positive.